collecting myself

i was tough when i met her. i was breaking hearts, skinny dipping. i was an asshole somedays. i wore whatever i liked. i had sex...and i'm sure i shouldn't be saying this on the internet...with whomever i chose, and i felt good at it. my emotional self was tender and sweet wrapped in a fabric of confidence and sass and sincerity, like a pink satin teddy inside a black leather motorcycle jacket. i felt brave. strong. ready. and generally, i didn't take shit off nobody.
and i will admit that love disarms us. that it smacks us in the face and stuns us and strips us of pretense. it leaves us standing empty handed, or even hanging upside down with all the contents of our purse scattered on the floor. and that--as aggressive as it sounds--is the good stuff. it feels good to be arrested by another person, by the intensity of emotion that we can feel for each other. it's really pretty beautiful, being in love.
being in relationship is a different animal. in relationship we have to decide to get down from where love has us hanging and collect our things. not the poker face or the bachelor life we had before, but the essentials...the elements of ourselves which brought us there in the first place. i wish there was a manual, some sort of class or something to teach us how to build relationships safely. how do we learn to compromise without giving away too much? to be vulnerable and self-protected? to be thriving individuals and committed partners? striking this balance is so important and so easy to miss.
i'm such a candy ass these days, like betty crocker and claire huxtable have invaded my body. i avoid arguments by withholding my opinions. i take up less space.

and quite frankly, i'm sick of me. or, i'm sick of this watered down version of me that i have gradually become. it doesn't benefit my relationship, and it doesn't benefit the leather and lace loudmouth that i am inside.

the spider says write

here i am. palms turned up. pockets turned out. completely empty of pretense. before god. before my self. before whomever might be watching on other plains. here. sad. wanting.
i haven't visited this blog in a long while. mostly because i struggle with sticking with it, being consistent in this writing thing...even though it frees me like nothing else. i'm here at the keys tonight because my heart aches, and let's be honest: nothing can drive me to write like heartache. writing is my first love, and heartache is my faithful companion. it is a relationship that i desire and that i detest.
anyway--i'm struggling. i have nursed the same sadness for more than a year. and i keep it and revisit it like an old friend, or like a relative that i don't enjoy but visit out of obligation. i have devoted myself to it because i believed it would dissipate, eventually lift and leave behind it all my hopes and dreams realized.
but that is foolish. and now, if i want something different in my life i have to be willing to do something different. period. i want there to be some other option, and i have stayed hoping for some other (any other) option. and let's be very honest: i have stayed because no option seemed worth leaving. but jesus, jesus. my heart aches. and i believe i might be ready to move. to make myself happy...or happier than this...or shit, i don't know, even a different kind of sad.
i re-read a blog that i wrote years ago where i said that i was threatened by god's radical acceptance of me, that i was afraid to look straight ahead into how wonderful god believes me to be. tonight i need to remember that. i need to stare straight ahead, straight into the face of god smiling. loving me so so much. recognizing me as beautiful, wanted, and loved beyond measure. i have to remember that truth and walk. walk. walk.

Parker Doodle-doo

Pat Charlie Parker Posey is my seven month old Boston Terrier puppy. We call her Parker, or Park, or Parker Doodle, or Parker Doodle-doo, or just Doodle. She is about 10 pounds, Brindle, with a white diamond on the back of her neck, a white underbelly, and white paws. She has ears like a bat and long legs like a model. Parker is a sweet little girl who is friendly to adults and children and animals. She is smart, obedient, and more than anything, loved. I am learning so much from her because she is all desire. If a smell or sound or texture attracts her, there is nothing she wants in the world but that. If she is hungry, nothing is on her mind but eating. She knows exactly what she wants, and she seeks after it. And when her desire is met (such as having her belly scratched) she feels nothing but pleasure. It's quite a lesson. And the way she loves me...her unchanging opinion of me, even when I am impatient or rude or unyielding or no fun...she forgives me and trusts me over and over again. Parker remembers that I am wonderful, even when i forget. May i be more like you, sweet girl.

long time...

...no see. or should i say, no write? i haven't blogged since June, i think. it's mostly about being busy with work and church and love and loss and friends and all the stuff of life.
i'm working on letting the future take care of itself and really just living in the moment. god, that sounds cliche or something, doesn't it? like every self help guru that ever lived... ok, guess i should also be working on judgement.
my life is all topsy-turvy, and i am doing my best to remember all the wisdom i have learned from my life so far. a sikh that visits my office told me that everything is perfect. everything. i'm taking deep breaths as i type those words, letting the truth wash over me, align me with godself, quiet my doubt-voice, bring me into peace. this is hard. but i am content to have the shaft of light in front of me, just enough for the next step. the future will take care of itself. the future will take care of itself. it was never all up to me anyway. god is the doer, and the done-to, and the enjoyer of it all. i release my desire to control what everyone says and does and thinks and even how everyone treats me. i realize that i am not responsible for anyone but myself, and somehow, at the same time, am one with every part of creation. this is a mystery and a lesson that my life wants to teach me. my job, it seems, is to daily renew my desire to learn.

poem

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)
i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Lent: Reflection 5

We read the passion in church this morning. The congregation acts as the crowd, rising up against Jesus, calling out "crucify him!". Later in the reading Jesus is put to death, and the church sits in silence after he breathes his last breath. I had a deep, emotional response to this. I sat there thinking about how Jesus made people uncomfortable, that he was a mirror for them, allowing them to see their own divinity, allowing them to see God's radical acceptance and love for them. Jesus made it impossible for people to ignore the ways that they were sleeping and how much more fulfilling it could be to really live...and I apologize for using a term that's been trademarked by a fundamentalist bestseller...purpose filled lives. It was so threatening for people to see that and to recognize the total change it would require to live authentically that they killed him. Maybe they hoped it would kill the part of them that so desperately yearned for what they saw in him. Freedom. Real love. Harmony. I thought about the part of me that is threatened by God's love for me...threatened, I guess, by how wonderful I am to God and what it means to have that divine spark inside of me. I thought about the ways I seek to deny and kill my divinity just so I don't have to own up to the responsibility of it. And then I thought about Easter. I know that I'm getting ahead of myself, since holy week is just beginning, but the idea of Easter, the idea that Jesus rose again, that he couldn't be killed, is so hopeful. It makes me believe that I have endless opportunities to embrace the light within, that even if one day I try to kill it, it will be resurrected over and over again. Amen.

Lent: Reflection 4

I got a job!!! A few weeks ago I was talking with the associate rector at my church about my job hunt, and she told me that a doctor in our congregation was looking for an assistant. I let his number sit on my bedside table for a week, as I continued to chase the corporate job that I had been interviewing for. Then, one day, after that big corporation called to offer me a job starting in August, I decided to give him a call. The doctor hired me the very next day. I said, theverynextday!!! This job is perfect. The doctors in this office take a holistic, spiritual approach to medicine. One of them is even an ordained minister! She went to Candler at Emory and will be a great help to me along my path. And did I mention they are offering the same hours and pay as the big guys I was chasing so hard??? So praise to my Source, who gives infinitely more than I can ask or imagine...and who knew there was something better for me than a corporate job right now. Once again, I open my palms to say, "I surrender".
I surrender to the coming of a spring season in my life!