the spider says write

here i am. palms turned up. pockets turned out. completely empty of pretense. before god. before my self. before whomever might be watching on other plains. here. sad. wanting.
i haven't visited this blog in a long while. mostly because i struggle with sticking with it, being consistent in this writing thing...even though it frees me like nothing else. i'm here at the keys tonight because my heart aches, and let's be honest: nothing can drive me to write like heartache. writing is my first love, and heartache is my faithful companion. it is a relationship that i desire and that i detest.
anyway--i'm struggling. i have nursed the same sadness for more than a year. and i keep it and revisit it like an old friend, or like a relative that i don't enjoy but visit out of obligation. i have devoted myself to it because i believed it would dissipate, eventually lift and leave behind it all my hopes and dreams realized.
but that is foolish. and now, if i want something different in my life i have to be willing to do something different. period. i want there to be some other option, and i have stayed hoping for some other (any other) option. and let's be very honest: i have stayed because no option seemed worth leaving. but jesus, jesus. my heart aches. and i believe i might be ready to move. to make myself happy...or happier than this...or shit, i don't know, even a different kind of sad.
i re-read a blog that i wrote years ago where i said that i was threatened by god's radical acceptance of me, that i was afraid to look straight ahead into how wonderful god believes me to be. tonight i need to remember that. i need to stare straight ahead, straight into the face of god smiling. loving me so so much. recognizing me as beautiful, wanted, and loved beyond measure. i have to remember that truth and walk. walk. walk.