Bend in the Road

a new leg of the journey now. or at least a new bend in the road. by mutual decision my sweetie and i are taking time for personal work. separate in a way that scares and intimidates me. separate in a way that saddens and worries me. separate in a way that i can only hope will strenghten and heal me. both of us. this woman has been my sunrise and sunset for so long, i hardly remember what i did before. but i guess it is love that lets go just the way that it is love that holds on. for health and for love.
i am spending the weekend in Augusta with my family, and it feels so good to laugh with my sisters and listen to my dad's stories. i think this is the best way to get this personal time started, by removing myself from all the motion in Atlanta and getting still and silent here at home.
hmm...so this entry is all over the place, i know, but calling Augusta home startled me a bit. it's only kinda home. Atlanta became home for me without even knowing it. my dad was trying to convince me to move back to Augusta yesterday, and when i explained to him why i couldn't...it made me understand that Atlanta is in my heart. i have spent time there having huge growth spurts. my sexual identity. my political identity. my religious identity. all these things have shifted and grown since i made Atl my home. and i have created a family that supported me in all these things. Muffin, Leah, Jocie, Gray...i shouldn't try to list all the folks who have enriched and forever changed my life. there are so so many.
and i admire myself. i am proud of the person i have become, the person i am always becoming. even now, full of uncertainty and acute personal pain, i love myself. i am brave. beautiful. full of light. ever changing. always loving. always loved.

A House is not a Home

i don't have any words of my own to describe what's going on with me right now. but i'll tell you what, i was driving around in the rain, crying, and this song came on the radio. luther always knows what to say...


A chair is still a chair, even when there's no one sittin' there
But a chair is not a house and a house is not a home
When there's no one there to hold you tight
And no one there you can kiss goodnight

A room is a still a room, even when there's nothin' there but gloom
But a room is not a house and a house is not a home
When the two of us are far apart
And one of us has a broken heart

Now and then I call your name
And suddenly your face appears
But it's just a crazy game
When it ends, it ends in tears

Pretty little darling, have a heart,
don't let one mistake keep us apart
I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, sayin' that you're still in love with me,

I'm not meant to live alone, turn this house into a home
When I climb the stairs and turn the key
Oh, please be there, still in love
Are you gonna be in love with me
I want you and need to be,
Still in love with me
Say you're gonna be in love with me...