Venting

i am angry. i am angry about having been taught... what life is and what truth is and what good is and what god is and what girl is and what self is. i am angry because i was reared in the South with Fundamentalist Christians, reared into traditional femininity, reared into heterosexuality, reared into monogamy, reared into silence,reared into religion, reared not to question. i have been set up. i have been set up by the binaries, my choices defined and made for me. the road created for me is wide: the college track, the marriage track, the mommy track, the Jesus track...the whole thing. and rebelling is so hard. learning to process my emotions is so hard. honoring my voice is so hard. making my own road is so hard. i feel like there are so many people to help me on the wide road, and so many rewards set up for doing that. and on my own road there are rocks and dirt and swamps and potholes and it is not an easy journey. i have to remind myself all along that i have tools. i know i do. but it pisses me off that i don't have the same pavement and flashing lights and signs that the folks on the wide road have. my fellow journeyfolk are like me, using their hands, pulling up weeds, cutting through the brush, following the stars to find their way. and it is fucking difficult. i guess that's all i wanted to say.

Late

up late. after a fight. out of town. wanna go home. sleep in my own bed. run. run away. when your sweetie says plain old "leave me alone" and you can find no way to say "hold me" "baby me" "don't send me away"...you just go. so i'm at the keys. being away. looking over my shoulder at every noise. she will come. she does not come.
it's 2006. new year now. time to put away old things. or at least take them out and sort through them to see what's what. i don't do new year's resolutions. that is a set up for regret. and i don't do regret. instead i am hugging myself. eating good food. kicking it this weekend in Key West. my sister got married this weekend. it was a quiet, lesbian wedding on the beach. i celebrated her and watched the ceremony with an internalized tear. two pieces: one that believes in that relationship and loves the woman she chose. the other that feels terrorized by the institution of marriage in our society and hungrily desires More Choices. i have decided to love. but i think i have decided never to marry. and that sucks in a way. it's a big rite of passage in this messy world, and i have been deeply socialized to crave it. anyway. nomorepoliticstonight.
i just want to be held. i want to forget the angry words we said. go have a milkshake at a 24 hour diner and make up. two straws in one glass and all that sappy stuff. i keep hoping that she will come. she does not come.
hurry up tomorrow.