Late

up late. after a fight. out of town. wanna go home. sleep in my own bed. run. run away. when your sweetie says plain old "leave me alone" and you can find no way to say "hold me" "baby me" "don't send me away"...you just go. so i'm at the keys. being away. looking over my shoulder at every noise. she will come. she does not come.
it's 2006. new year now. time to put away old things. or at least take them out and sort through them to see what's what. i don't do new year's resolutions. that is a set up for regret. and i don't do regret. instead i am hugging myself. eating good food. kicking it this weekend in Key West. my sister got married this weekend. it was a quiet, lesbian wedding on the beach. i celebrated her and watched the ceremony with an internalized tear. two pieces: one that believes in that relationship and loves the woman she chose. the other that feels terrorized by the institution of marriage in our society and hungrily desires More Choices. i have decided to love. but i think i have decided never to marry. and that sucks in a way. it's a big rite of passage in this messy world, and i have been deeply socialized to crave it. anyway. nomorepoliticstonight.
i just want to be held. i want to forget the angry words we said. go have a milkshake at a 24 hour diner and make up. two straws in one glass and all that sappy stuff. i keep hoping that she will come. she does not come.
hurry up tomorrow.