Tears to Drown

oh god i am so angry. i am so hurt. my teeth clenched, my vision blurred, my nails dug into my palms. my heart is beating so fast. i cannot scream enough. i cannot cry out enough. i cannot shed enough tears.
my god. my god.
it's so hard to be in this feeling. to reside in this pain, to let this all be real. i would rather disappear. run run away. be someone else. live someone else's life. but it is real. what's happened has happened.
and i am fucking angry.
and my heart aches.
the recent events of my life keep washing up around me, wave after wave, filling me up with rocky, salty water. i feel like i'm drowning.
i don't know what to do with this. ask god? call on friends? seek advice? be alone?
the pain is so relentless, and nothing in my stock of wisdom makes any difference right now.

"i don't understand about complimentary colors and what they say/ side by side they both get bright/ together they both get gray/ but he's been pretty much yellow/ and i've been kinda blue/ but all i can see is red red red red now/ what am i gonna do?...

i don't understand about the weather outside/ or the harmony in a tune/ or why somebody lied/ but there's solace a bit in submitting to the fitfully cryptically true/ what's happened has happened/ what's coming is already on its way with a role for me to play

and i don't understand/ i'll never understand/ but i'll try to understand/ there's nothing else i can do" --Fiona Apple