no one will understand this but me.

here i am...free fuck, mini flaunting, high pitched laughter...embraced by a woman who i thought would not embrace me. and i'm challenged by this fierce embrace to live more courageously in my own life. to look directly at the things and people that scare me and embrace my fear...and them.
right now i am confronted with a difficult choice, a situation, out of my hands, which holds alot of potential pain. can i be like the one who embraced me and stretch my arms wide? how can i deal with a pain so tied to the woman who i love, to myself, and to my idea of friendship and truth? i am not ready to forgive this person. how do i stay safe while they come close again?

Friends Like Stangers

I ran into an old homegirl yesterday at school. She was one of the only people who still associated with me in high school after I was outed. She was the most fun roommate I had in college. And now...we are like strangers. I don't know what is happening in her life. She doesn't know what is happening in mine. I miss her like hell. My heart is broken. I am writing this entry through a blur of tears. It seems like you never know how you love someone until they stop returning your calls or are always too busy studying to be your friend. Shit. I don't think I have anything else to say about this. It just fucking hurts, that's all. It hurts.

Blast Off to Jesusland

I have a big problem with Christian culture.
This may, at first glance, seem odd since I identify as a Christian. But Christian practice (my Christian practice) and Christian culture are two very different things. I believe quite strongly that to follow the example of Jesus or to honor him as friend, brother, or savior is fundamentally about the love of God, self, and neighbor. (pardon the rhyme) Jesus was about the business of social justice, restoring dignity to those whom (religious) society had deemed unworthy. He healed on the holy days, broke the rules. He ate meals (arguably the most intimate time people spend together) with prostitutes and tax collectors, not out of pity but friendship. He did not separate himself, and later, friends of Jesus, like the apostle Paul, regarded this quality an important lesson: There is no longer Jew or Greek, there is no longer slave or free, there is no longer male and female (Galatians 3:28 NRSV). These people who followed Jesus, who hung out with him, wrote it again and again...all are one...all are one. So here is the problem: many strands of modern day Christianity are all about separation. People get "saved" and blast off in their spaceships to Jesusland, where they go to a Christian dentist, read Christian novels, buy Christian t-shirts, live in Christian neighborhoods, and listen to Christian radio and sermons on tape. And most importantly, they hang out with other Christian people, far far away from the "lost", "sinners", "worldy", "secular", "unsaved"--except for the occasional mission trip to rescue them from hell. This shit is crazy, and by crazy I mean far far away from the example of Jesus. It occurs to me that perhaps being Christian, being holy, really means being secular and not seeing ourselves as separate from those who don't attend our churches or read our text. If there is one God then there is one source, and we all share it, own the Purpose Driven Life workbook or not. We are called to love, not Christian to Christian, but creation to creation. All are one. Amen.

The Intimidation of Friday Night

Shiiiiit...the sun is beginning to set, it's Friday, and I don't have any plans. Quick! Somebody invite me to dinner before loser-fridaynight-loneliness sets in. Sure, I'm taking 3 summer classes. Yeah, I need to be doing some homework. Ok, I see how I could use this time for that. But...I need to get mushed up tonight or boo-ed up or at least homied-up so I can say I didn't spend my weekend kickin it with Microsoft Word. I know I've got to have a friend who is feeling just as pressured, just as left out of the cool thing to do this evening...but all I can think of is Sugarmuffin with his Antione and Jocie with her Pooface and Keisha with Anna Banana from Indiana. Poor me. Ok, Ok, maybe I'm letting Friday punk me out without reason. I am loved and lovable, and I could at least call some folks first before I trip out.

Enough Light

So...I started this blog with no idea what to put in it...or even how to work my computer... but I have alot on my mind...and with the knowledge that none of this may make sense to anyone but me...I am filling up this screen...
am i going to seminary or not? a few days ago a woman from the episcopal diocese called me to schedule one of the many appointments that i will have to make on my way to becoming a postulant, and i stood there...purposefully missing her call...staring at myself in the bathroom mirror, not feeling sure about anything. i am a young woman. a sometimes wild, sometimes impulsive, sometimes arrogant, sometimes rebellious (most of the time rebellious) young woman. and i love those things about myself like i love that i am giving and passionate and sincere. is it time to discipline myself in the ways that ordained ministry will require? honestly, in the most honest way i know, i have to say out loud that i am not sure. i think i may take some time to meditate on this, be with myself and God(dess) until i feel more clear about what is to be my next step: career, vocation, romance, family, education, art... i want a big, bright, certain sun to send down a shaft of light, making everything so visible for me, but i will trust my truest Self and God(dess) to give me what I need: enough light for the next step.