Westerns

My mommy liked Westerns...
...she called them cowboy movies. And when i am especially lonely or especially happy or especially any-old-thing, i think about her. i see her mixing food with her hands in the kitchen. i hear her humming some gospel song. i see her curled up on the couch in my childhood home eating junk food, watching soap operas or cowboy movies. there she is, standing at the bottom of the stairs, calling my name soooo slowly: "Sam-ie-tra. Come here, baby." she would hug me so tight before asking me to do something, like she knew a little love was all i needed to motivate me. when i was doing homework or studying for a test she would call me her "A-1 student" and say how smart i was. "sharp as a tack!" my god, i miss her. i miss her like i never thought i could, like i never knew a person could miss another person. i miss her flowery dresses and fat fingers with all those rings. i miss painting her toenails while she told me stories about people in our family and me when i was a baby. i miss hearing her snore and taking off her glasses. she always fell asleep in her glasses. we buried her in her glasses.
My mommy liked Westerns. she was my first love.

Shallow Water

i built myself up, running full force toward graduation. if i graduated on time, despite all the fucking setbacks, it would mean i was good enough, still just as capable as my brilliant high school peers. they all shoved off to ivy league schools, traveled the world, and found forever love to boot. i could hear my knees knocking as my fourth undergrad year came to a close...and i did it! i felt assured that i was still in the race, still headed to success. hell yeah. and then...nothing. just nothing. fall semester came, and my friends went to school and work and i...stayed at home. i poked at my resume, feeling no motivation, gained weight, slept all day, watched the same movies again and again, yawned, cried, stretched, took another trip to Hollywood Video.
despite my growing lust for freedom of many kinds, i (cringe to admit) have held on to "the race". i am a competitor. i want to be well established by thirty with a big, fat savings account, a stellar career, published books, real love(s), and a baby...or two. i want an incredible house where i hold incredible dinner parties. i want an incredible shoe collection. i want to be the keynote speaker at the incredible people convention. i want to "make it".
ewww! the "be here now" advocate within me just threw up a little in her mouth. good goals are things like safety, truth, honesty, love, humility, intimacy NOT membership in the impressive people club. yuck yuck yuck. fuck fuck fuck.
my post-graduation boredom/depression has left me with loads of time for self-reflection, and i have realized that even my pool has a shallow end. sigh.

The Knower

this morning i had a visit from my very first girlfriend. she remains to be a close friend of mine, but sometimes it feels we are looking at each other through glass. she had adopted a brand of conservative Christianity, and i...well...i have not. we talked a lot this morning about black and white v. gray areas, right and wrong, and (my favorite) natural and unnatural things. she tells me that there are some things that she knows, capital K, deep in her "knower" to be true. and that's alright with me, can't argue with that, even if it does mean she can't like me, capital L, anymore. my trouble is this: her "knower" speaks for everyone, like a one-size-fits-all t-shirt. i'm looking around at all the people and i'm seeing baby tees and tanks, jerseys and bare chests, polos and button-up blouses. one size is simply not enough.
it's weird, looking into the past and seeing who we used to be, giggly girls who liked to play with ideas and philosophies. we had been fundamentalists, agnostics, goddess worshippers, you name it. it feels so much less like play now, more like finality, capital F. this change has taught me to appreciate disagreement, to see us as more than minds. we are people apart from our theologies, political leanings, and religious affiliations. we are wounded and searching and all in need of an authentic embrace. it leaves me to deal with only hearts, and little by little i am learning to see my friend and love her. because love works. i know that deep in my "knower" to be true.

Surrender

Surrender your love...
--Sade
i woke up this morning and sat in the new Ikea chair in my sweetheart's house. i had Irish breakfast tea with milk and sugar. i danced and danced to Stronger than Pride on vinyl, my number two favorite Sade album. i pulled on a pair of sweats and took my dog, Zora, on a walk in the sun. i flirted with the couple of elders who passed on the sidewalk. it felt like everything Saturday morning was meant to be, and it felt like everything i needed during this time of deep sadness and shifting in my life. i was there, just me, surrendering my love to the beauty of the day, the change of seasons, and my adorable, mischievous dog. maybe it helps sometimes to lean away from the places we hurt and notice what is still warm and where the music is still playing for us.

Dentist Dogma

A friend of mine recently had a run-in with a fundamentalist Christian at her dentist's office. The woman badgered my friend about her spiritual quest, the questions she was willing to ask out loud, and the channels she sought to find answers. Aside from being pissed off that this woman and I share the title Christian, I was moved to examine more closely the subject of fear. I sincerely believe fear was this woman's problem, or should I say her motivation, for rejecting my friend's spiritual leanings. I thought about my own fear: fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of time, fear of loss, fear of loneliness... On bad days I let fear determine how I interpret the world, what I won't say, who I can't forgive. I let fear turn people into enemies. God, I knew she didn't like me. I let fear turn me against my body. My thighs are fat and ugly. Fear immobilizes me and makes me into my own roadblock.
I have heard it said that the only true motivations for things are love and fear. Just those two. I know this isn't news, but I think it is still a radical idea: love is the answer. The Bible says it's money, but I think that must be a poor translation. Love. Love of self, of others, of nature, of god, of change, of questions, of answers, of peace, of doughnuts...whatever. I think if we could act out of love. I mean...forgive all the mush in this entry...but God(dess), if we could use love as our motivation just 5% more than fear...if we could be so brave as to do that, I believe it would mean freedom for us. It would mean heaven...or at least much nicer trips to the dentist.
I stand in solidarity with my sister, the woman who couldn't see past her dogma into my friend's beautiful spirit. I stand with her, arm in arm, because although I would like to cut her off, to distance myself and say, "I am nothing like her. I hate that we share the same title"--although I would like to show how much better I am, how much more I have figured out-- The truth is I am like her. Like her, I have to choose every day, many times a day, if I will act from love or fear. And on bad days, like her, I choose fear. We all do, I'm guessing. So it is not a matter of her or me, the fundamentalist Christian versus the secular one. It is not a matter of her or my friend, the traditional seeker versus the non-conventional one. It is a matter of One People with two choices: love and fear.