Shallow Water

i built myself up, running full force toward graduation. if i graduated on time, despite all the fucking setbacks, it would mean i was good enough, still just as capable as my brilliant high school peers. they all shoved off to ivy league schools, traveled the world, and found forever love to boot. i could hear my knees knocking as my fourth undergrad year came to a close...and i did it! i felt assured that i was still in the race, still headed to success. hell yeah. and then...nothing. just nothing. fall semester came, and my friends went to school and work and i...stayed at home. i poked at my resume, feeling no motivation, gained weight, slept all day, watched the same movies again and again, yawned, cried, stretched, took another trip to Hollywood Video.
despite my growing lust for freedom of many kinds, i (cringe to admit) have held on to "the race". i am a competitor. i want to be well established by thirty with a big, fat savings account, a stellar career, published books, real love(s), and a baby...or two. i want an incredible house where i hold incredible dinner parties. i want an incredible shoe collection. i want to be the keynote speaker at the incredible people convention. i want to "make it".
ewww! the "be here now" advocate within me just threw up a little in her mouth. good goals are things like safety, truth, honesty, love, humility, intimacy NOT membership in the impressive people club. yuck yuck yuck. fuck fuck fuck.
my post-graduation boredom/depression has left me with loads of time for self-reflection, and i have realized that even my pool has a shallow end. sigh.